Brokentink's Journals

I cant take much more of this.......

Im trying to hold on but i cant any longer. Its killing me. It really is.I cant stand summer time, no i cant stand living here ne more. i dont mean to be mean but its the truth. This whole week sucked. well not the whole week but somethings over powered the good moments of the week. Lets see....my n my fam went ova to my cousins house friday night, all of us slept ova. we played pool and it was all good. saturday and saturday night we spent it w/ chris n kelli as well. we went to the movies n saw click n nacho libre. that was kool* but we ended up going home to sleep. the whole ride home my dad yelled at me for god knows what. i kno i didnt do nething. he was just tired. w/e i dealt w/ listening to yelling n screaming n cursing. it was fine...i wasnt feeling to well n i myself was tired so i just pushed it outta my mind.then sunday we went to my baby grl's bday party. she turned 5. shes sooo big now. i feel old. lolz. they did nothing but yell at me then too. thats of course when i didnt have the baby in my hands. (my cousin sara n her husband jason, and their baby caleb came down from arkansas, so i was finally able to play w/ the baby, lord do i want one. anyways im getting off track.) so yea that was fun, that n my mom hogging the baby. then there was sunday night my dad started yelling n cussing bc kelli wanted nia to sleep ova n me as well and that ment my dad had to drive all the way to norwood. Plus chris wanted me n my dad to play pool again. so afta complaining bout not wanting to go at round 9:30 pm we left to go there. we spent the night, we all ended up going to my aunt diane's in stoughton, on the 3rd and watched the fireworks. i got to play w/ the baby again. this time i had him all day n my ma bitched at me for it. saying it needed to spend time w/ its mother, and when i din give caleb to sara ma was right there n took him outta her arms. i mean wtf.... honestly. we spent the night again at chris's, and then on the 4th we helped him cook for his 4th of july party. no one really came only about 10 ppl. but w/e. i slept most of the day, and watched tv. That part wasnt that bad. But it all started when my ma wanted to go home thursday night. she wanted to go to see the fireworks, and spend 4th of july w/ her family. my dad didnt want to go. he wanted to spen another night at chrises, and so did my sisters but we were all forced to leave after my mom got my dad mad. then he turned on me and said "if your mother wants to fuckin leave it means jump, not just sit there n look stupid." i was like that was u not me. ur the one who wanted to stay. i was just gonna follow what u guys said. i wasnt arging the girls were. then on the whole ride home my lil sister was starting w/ me i ignored her tot the point i couldnt nelonger then i told her to shut up n to stop it n i got yelled at. i mean i wasnt spitting on myself or pulling my hair...i just said shut up n stop it, and im the one who got introuble. at home my mom did nothing but yell n throw stuff. we didnt go to see the fireworks instead i spent the night crying, bc of the things said to me. i hate being talked to like im a piece of shit, but i should be use to it.then yesterday me n kell n my ma n sisters went to the cape it wasnt fun. Then last night i had it out w/ my dad. i got bitched at bc nia walked into my room n sat down n watched band camp. i mean wth. i yelled at her to get out she didnt listen, so i just left it be bc i was told to leave her alone. then when the movie was over i was watching deleted scenes n my dad came up n stsarted screaming at me bc she was in the room while i was watching the movie. This is what set me off. i was in bed n so was he n my mother and he yelled my name, i yelled what. then he yelled for me again n i went to the top of the stairs. he screamed get ur fuckin ass down her now. so i went down to his bedroom door, n he's like "when i call u, u fucking come right away. dont yell what, dont stand at the top of the stairs looking fuckin stupid. you come see what i want." i just stood there then he blew up on me again, "dont fucking throw ur head back n roll ur eyes at me. then he flipped out on me more bc of colleene watching that movie. he was like "i told uyou u can watch it n said not ur sister." and he really didnt say that so i argued, then he called me immature and i said i wasnt. then he got to the point where we both started yelling and hes like "shut the fuck up, before i fuckin punch you in your stupid fuckin head. you listen when i fuckin talk to you. what i say goes. you do as i say when i say it. if i say something its true. and you dont fuckin argue w/ me." he said alot more but I prefer not to say such on here. its horrible. and the stuff he said to my mother. that just pissed me off even more. he talked to her like she was a piece of shit. hes so fuckingh disrespectful, and he said i have no respet for him or my mother. i have a hell of alot more respect than he does. he only fuckin cares about himself. my mom wanted to sleep that 's all she said is stop yelling at her i need to sleep and he blew up on her saying he's trying to be a parent and she should try foronce instead of thinking about herself. saying shes one way, and uselesss and a fuckin bitch. and it went on and on about shouldnt of married her and wanting a divorce and so much swearing and digrading and putting down my mom was in tears i couldnt take it nemore i ran upstairs n slammed my door n my rents continued to argue. about me and how manipulative i am, and how i was a mistake and how i need to be taught a lesson and on n on, and my mom just cried n cried n he just kept yelling at her n saying shit about her. i cried my eyes out. i cried myself to sleep. i mean really his words could het to you. id rather be hit than to listen to what he has to say. this stuff im telling you all now may not seem bad but it really is. if you knew what went on behind these walls i live in you'd know why im like this. why i keep breaking down. Why i cant handle life nemore.this whole week was up n down. my whole fuckin week, all the good moments blew up bc of him. bc of the fight me n him got into. i hate it. i hate him. i cant stand it nemore. i cant stand living here or being around him. he's a sick bastard, and i cant take it nemore. hes an asswhole. and i want out. thats the most i can say on how i feel i cant say more bc the worst i keep to myself. i need to! I really need to get out of her. i dont think i can last this whole summer. Especially if i cant see cory. thats another thing. i want a life. and father wont let me have one. then again nor will my ma. i want to see cory i want to be held in his arms, where i know everything is ok. where i can be happy. he's the only thing that matters to me. the only reason y i stay living. he's my world, and i miss him soo much right now. that the longing for him is adding to the pain i already feel. i just want to be w/ him, see him, be held by him, kissed my him, hear his voice, and feel his touch! God i cant write nemore. im sorry this is long, boring, sucky, and nothing but complaints n negativity. i just needed to get it all out! Cory im sorry things are like this, just remember no matter what i will always love you!

My heart aches w/ pain and longing!

Summers just began and i wish it was over. I hate being cooped up in my house. I hate being away from cory and all my friends. Its killing me. Mainly killing me that i dont get to see cory everyday. I swear by the end of this summer, theres going to be nothing left of me. UNless i can see him! And be with him! To be held in his arms. Thats all i really want! Thats all i need. Damn my computer sux. it wont stop freezing. I want to write more but i cant. My computer is being a nazi so i guess i'll have to leave it to this.I'll write more later. I miss you guys!n love you all!

last day of school

It was amazing. i didnt cry today. lolz. i wanted to but i couldnt. i was just too happy! Im out of school. Two whole months. Yupper. i wonder what i'll do all summer. Work i hope. God imma miss cory and everyone else soo bad. Cory the most though. I wont get to see him everyday, which means i kno i wont be happy till i do. It sux. i wish my renst would just let me live my own life. Make my own decisions. That would make me happy! Eww have you ever had twizzler twerps? They're gross.lolz. Anyways today was awesome. i brought 2 movies to school w/ me. when a stranger calls and Starngeland. We watched when a stranger calls. we didnt really do much. we ate and drank soda. talked and watched the movie. Then me n a few of my friends, richie, lyndsy, sara, and my love cory went ack into our shop n hung out! Then i went ova corys house after school. i kno amazing huh? my rents let me go over there. It was a half day. We sat in the kitchen taking pics. lolz. me dylan and cory. it was fun. dylan is such a sweetie. Cory's whole family is awesome. all his lil bros are adorable, and his mom is really sweet! I love all of them I love cory so much. Anyways after a while fran took the three lil ones to the park so cory, julie (his mom) and me could watch strangeland. Christopher came and joined us. I love that movie its so sick. Its awesome! Lolz. Julie thought it to be horrible, and sickining. But i kno she liked it. I got home alil after 2. earlier than my rents wanted. my time was 4. i think the fact they dropped me off early made my mom happy! I could see it in her eyes. That and her face was red. i wasnt sure weither or not it was heat that caused it or if my rents were on the phone fighting before that. idk. But my mom liked she dropped me off. it would of been nice to stay alil longer. I like being w/ cory, and his family. honestly i feel like im slowly becoming part of it. I hated how we had to stay downstairs the whole time tho. i guess i'll live. cory dylan and julie came in and talked for a cople minutes. Now madre cant say she hasnt talked to any of them or seen them for that matter. lolz. i want our families to get to kno each other better. Im going to try n see if i can talk my rents into letting cory come w/ us on the 3rd to My uants house for the fourth of july. that would be awesome. I'd love that. I hate being a loner. it sux. At least w/ him there i'll be happier. And caleb and Sara's going to be there as well.Theyre visiting from arkansas. My grand rents are leaving to go back to florida Monday. They want me to come. i wont go tho. Im not leaving. Im staying! IDC. God im tired and hungry. i kno i have more stuff to say but i forgot what exactly it was.

This weekend i hope the weather stays nice. im suppose to be going to the cape. i want great weather! lolz. God i hope my rents would change their mind on the whole me and dating thing. it gets me sooo irritated. well i should go. I need to go get something to eat. Cory I love you! I love all of ya'll as well!

all i wanna do is cry!

Its the last day technically of school. Imma miss all my friends! I wont see them ova the summer, and to top it all off tomorrows a half day. 1/2 the ppl in my shop are suspended or arn't coming into school! Imma miss cory soo much. I dont want this summer to be like the last. I spent all after lunch and the whole ride home on the bus crying my eyes out. Plus i started when i got home as well. I cant even go one minute w/out missing cory. i cant go two more months. Not even seeing ne of my friends, alicia, carla, richie, jon, and everyone else. its going to kill me. God i cant even right nemore. im starting to tear up again. i hate how emotional ive become. I have to go i wish i could write more but i cant! Cory i love you! Everything will be alright!

Awesome weekend

I had an awesome weekend. the funny part was i didnt want to go in the first place. When we first got to the camp site down the cape me n my dad did nothing but fight. i hated it. i cried for like 2 hours. i didnt want to be there i was sick of fighting w/ him n my sisters and my mom. My cousin cheered me up tho. i love him hes awesome. Chris n kelli had to go n buy a new tent. the one they borrowed from my nana wasnt all there. lolz. the poles n stakes were all missing. it was funny.I spent the night making a huge ass fire. It was awesome. im such a pyro *smiles* Anywho, we rosted marshmellows n talked n made s'mores. i didnt eat ne of it tho i just ate captin crunch. i wasnt feeling to good. my throat started bothering me and i was getting dizzy so i went in the tent round 12:23 am n slept till 8 the next morning. it was nice. i got up n went jogging. Then round 10:30 we all went down to the pool. I swam n bathed in the sun. I ended up burning. I'm paying for it now. Im in so much pain *winces* But it was awesome. I went into the rec hall n watched ppl play pool, and played a few games meself. Then played in the arcade. went and ate lunch then went back to swimming. Later i was playing horse shoes n then left everyone to go to the park to swing. I decided to call the love of my life to see if he was busy n i spent some time talkuing to him. God did i miss cory. i wish he could of came w/ me. that would of been sweet. I missed him soo much i started to get home sick. I hate being away from him. I spent most of the day wandering around the park exploring the woods and everything. i was actually allowed to go by myself. amazing huh? i thought so. That night was the same as before. just bo fighting this time. There was a fire, food and talking. there was a birthday party for kellie, and an aniversary party for my rents as well. it was kool*. I went to bed early again to rid of the pain i felt. I slept so well i didnt even wake to the rain storm, but i dreamt of thunder.lolz. We spent about 3 hours packing up all our crap tho the nexy morning. we all decided we'd go camping again soon, just not in that shit whole. lolz. somewhere new. maybe in NH. I guess we'll figure it out. all in all it may sound boring but it was very relaxing. i liked it.

As for right now i'm happy to be home. i cant wait for school. i get to see the love of my life. Cory i miss you sooo much, and love you!

So awesome

i wanted to write in my journal yesterday when i came back from the play but my comp was being gay and wouldnt let me.. damn its hard to type wit nails on. lolz. normally id have a whole paragraph typed by now. lolz. Anyways yea. The play The Tempest was awesome. Timmy is such a good actor. lolz. Its corys lil bro. well one of them. For 5th graers they did pretty wel. But i believe that if timmy sticks with acting then he can go pretty far. Hes wicked good. It was nice spnding time w/ cory and his family. All his bothers are uber nice and adorable. Dylan Has an eye on me tho. Its weird. I havent had a 6 yr old want me as a gf in like years.lolz. But its cute. I loved watching cory w/ dylan. wispering in each others ears then hugging him. it was such a picture. It brought a smile to my face, all of it did. The little kids infront of us kept turning around and laughing.(they thought he was a pirate) Cory's doings. He kept making them giggle. God he has a way w/ kids.lolz. i love it. I love him. His mother is soo sweet. i neverfelt such afection from my own mom as i have from his. Is that weird? ive only really known her alil while. talking all the time onlline with her and what not. yesterday was the first time i seen her face to face. When we got to the school she got out of the car and came over and gave me the biggest hug. it was as if she didnt want to let me go. it was akward at first but afterwords it was nice. i dont get hugged like that from my family. well not all the time.It was an awesome hour and soo. I wish it didnt have to end tho. I like being w/ corys family, and i love being wth cory.God I love thee soo. I hope my rents will allow us to hang out more now. I cant wait till next time we can. Just hopefully it'll be longer than just and hour to an hour and a half. god i dont want to go camping thid weekend. id rather stay home but i guess i'll have to deal aye? well i gtg have some work to do. love ya'll

yippie

yea i dont know what to tiltle this. Nor what to write. Im just bored beyond reason. Nothing fun is going on. Im sitting in class, wishin i was sleeping. Its hard to sleep here w/ ppl everywhere. It sux. Anyways yea today was senior picture day. My pictures are going to come out crappy. i kno it. The guy who took my pictures was an a whole. we think he may be gay. lolz. I have drivers ed today, to finish my hours. i better frickin pass. if i dont i'll be extremely livid. I did a few ppls makeup for the pictures it was kool* I'm not much of a makeup artisit but i think it came out alright. Norma stariaghtened my hair the rest of the way it was kool* Yea all boredom. Im waiting for everyone to get their butts on the ball so we can go on break. Michelles starightening Ms. M's hair so yea. God i cant wait till tonight. My rents actually said i could go w/ cory n his family to timmys play. of course its only an hour id get to spend w/ my chushla macher but it still is better than nothing. I hope that starting today things will start getting better for me. Meaning my rents will let me outta the house more often than usual. Or let me hang out w/ cory on regular bases. God i love him sooo much.

SO yea

Yesterday was an interesting day! I slept from afta school till about 7 pm. Then i woke due to my lil sister running up and hitting me telling me i'm ignorant and of no use. My next door neighbor's bird flew away when she brought him outside. I guess my dad scared him. then my dad locked us all out of the house. Then tried blaming it on us when he knows we dont carry our keys around. So he left his keys in the house, and shut the door on us. It was very interesting watching him get mad try to blame us get proven wrong then have to climb through the window inorder to get back in the house. i kno i kno it sounds uber boring but it really wasnt if you were watching it. lolz. SO yea...... I feel alot better than i did yesterday. Then again i always feel fine when it comes to the morning. But i took some motrin before i left home.SO it should last me 8 hours! I guess we'll have to see aye? I cut my hair. Its not really touching my lower back nemore. its past my shoulders alil. But its shorter than it was. What else is there to talk about? Nothing really i guess. my shop teacher is getting me mad. so much work she gives us. she grades ppls work, and passes it back and never puts the grade in. she says when she closes out it doesnt save, so many ppl are failing bc of that, but i mean wth? If you kno it doesnt save then how hard is it to push that save button in the first place? It'll take what a whole second and one click of the mouse. I mean really its not going to kill you! I just dont like seeing my friends fail. it makes me po'd. i cant stand being in school nemore. It seems like everything and everone seems to be getting me livid lately. The only reason why i come is bc i want to be w/ cory. God i love him so. Every minute we're apart it saddens me. I wish my rents would let me date. would let me have my own life, and live it the way i want to. I know right from wrong. I'm quite mature. i just wish they'd see that instead of just making my life miserable. god idk. i guess i should go. the more i write the more i'll start to drift to boring subjects. The only real thing that isnt boring to write about would be the love i have for cory! *smiles* but i guess i'll let you all go. ttyl love ya'll.

Im feel like i'm dying!

I kno not so much of a positive thing to say, but it feels like the truth. i havent been feeling to well. I have a soar throat a stiff next thats killing me and my head hurts. i cant move to quickly or i get uber dizzy and it sux sooo bad! For everytime i move not only does dizzyness wash over me but pain serges through my whole body! I hope this pain will reside soon. i want to feel healthy. my mother even canceled my dentist appointment for me. i suggested it and she did it. I love her *smiles* Other than being sick im gonna go nuts. my shop teacher n the teacher who is observing our class is driving me nuts. The computers keep failing or freezing. Just like this one in my room, and its getting me pissed. The teacher whos observing i kno is gonna be our next yr teacher. god i dont like either one of them. Other than that im still happy! after all i have cory what else can i ask for?

I've never been happier!

Ok so not everything is going well but i'm alot happier than i was. me and my dad arnt really on talking terms its fine w/ me. I dont mind i'm use to it by now. i actually think it is better that way. thats not really why im happy tho. Truth is i finally feel as if im whole. like my life is slowly starting to look up. Slowly is the key word tho. Since the last post alot has happened. both good and bad and i'm looking on the positive side, for if i dont i want be as happy as i am now. Where should i begin though......... lets start w/ the whole me an red thing. its over. we came to terms that we shall be only friends. i told him to go out w/ anna since shes ,adly in love w/ him, and since they already you kno..... He cheated on me. he says hes sorry. i kno i may be stupid but i forgave him. my friends may not like that but w/e. i cant stay mad at any one...besides my father. now that is a totally diff story all together. Anyways... i'm alot happier now. it wasth right thing to do to break up w/ him. id rather us be friends than nothing at all. u kno? But yea. now the best news in the world. Me and cory are back together. Im sooo frickin happy! I cant remember the last time i was truely happy. i mean truely happy! Cory is the love of my life, and i'm glad i have him! i dont kno what id do if i didn't. I'll tell you this. June 2nd, 2006 was the best night of my life, and i'm always going to remember it! The Madi Gras Dance was awesome. me cory elmo n liz dancing like non stop. Plus its the day my life all came together. the day i finally became whole. Its the day he asked me back out! I was soo thrilled, and still am! god i cant say exactly how i feel! i'm just soo overjoyed! My heart shall always remain his! I want to spend the rest of my life w/ cory! i kno i'm too young to be saying this just being 17 but i kno it, and i wish for such to be. i have wished for such since i was 7. I hope it comes true! i just love him so much!*smiles* Anywhoo. what else to talk about. i'm grounded. but what else is new! *giggles* i was hanging out w/ my cuz mikey yesterday and he told me i should start behaving myself. i said i do. its not my fault that trouble seems to find me. i dont have to go looking for it, it comes looking for me.. he started laughing. hes like i hear you on that one.me n him have become pretty close. i'm glad i have him to talk to kno. god knows i dont have many ppl to talk to at my house. unless you count Nia but i have to be careful what i tell her. (dont mind if i have typos. i'm typing w/ one hand. the other is holding corys hand! i love watching him sleep! its so cute! *blushes*) i miss my cousin chris n kelli. i havent been ova there house since before they left for jamacia. but i have seen them. i got their dog trashed.lolz. it was funny! i'm suppose to be going camping w/ them this weekend. its kellis birthday and my rents anniversary! so me n my family, along w/ kelli n chris are going down to the cape to go camping. i also have a six flags trip coming up on the 20th this month. i won an award for my shop. its kool*. uggg i have a dentist appointment this wednesday! n im finishing drivers ed this thursday i hope. well my class is gonna be going outside so i'll leave this entry as is. Love ya'll.